I'm back!!! After two years hahs... I guess you can expect something like this from me, I guess I was never the type to keep up with a diary, journal, or much yet a blog. In the beginning of this year, I did attempt to start an electronic diary on my personal laptop, but after the first two weeks, the posts suddenly stopped...
A lot has happened within the last two years. For starters, I'm finally a college graduate!!! One chapter of my life have finally reached its ending and another has started. I do admit that it has been scary, not knowing what tomorrow may hold, especially when the last twenty years or so have always been a known routine. Elementary school, high school, then college. There has always been a new known goal that serves as a compass in each chapter of my life, now in this new chapter, I have nothing to steer me. From the deepest corner of my heart, I really have no idea what to do...
Looking around at the people around me, it seems like everyone know what they want and where their life is leading them. More than a handful of them are married, and a portion of those married already have children of their own. Seeing them creating a family of their own, makes me wonder, when is it my turn. It seems like a far-fetched thing to me that would never happen. Besides the family aspect, my career path is going nowhere, well, I take that back, if this was weeks ago, I could have said that but some good news, I'm starting a new full-time job this Thursday. It's not with a big fancy company with out of the world salary and benefits; honestly, I don't even know what are the benefits. But this is something, something to jump start my career path. Maybe in a few months I can proudly say, I have my career going for me.
I do miss school life once in a while. Well, not all aspects of it, just the ones where it does not include exams, term papers, and the pain in the behind stress. I miss seeing my friends and miss having free time to have a life. Maybe I am getting old, there's been times when I am with some of my friends where I say or think about, remember the old times when we used to do this or that and a smile would naturally creep up from the corner of my lips just reminiscing about those good ole times. Lolx big sign of age there huh? Hahs...
My love life has gone nowhere if I have to sum it up. There was someone, but it was most like a mirage in a cold winter's day. The longing to have someone be there to catch me. Nothing started so nothing has ended and there shouldn't be any type of disappointment. My best friend sent me a picture of an article she was reading about winter flings that reminded her of me, but I don't even think that applies to my situation. If I have to use words to describe what happened, I would have to say a game of being chased and chasing. No matter how nicely one would put it, our values were different, our needs were different, our views were different; those would just be an excuse to cover up what really was a game of wanting what we can't have and ignoring what we can have.
I think B.T. is right, relationships is just another word for games. And after the conversation I had early today, it doesn't seem like love is part of a working successful marriage. So why do I still naively believe in true love??? I think I'm just hopelessly lost in my own world of fairy tales.
Anyway, this year marks my turn at reaching a quarter of a century. I can only hope, believe, and wish hard that something magical is waiting to for me around the corner.
Quote -
"Love Life. Live Life." - We should always live life to the fullest and spend every moment loving it to the fullest.
Love the One & Only,
Jess (嘉慧)
